Straight Men Don’t Monica Lewinsky

By Cyberquill 03/17/20144 Comments

In a somewhat grotesque attempt to one-up and out-buffoon Miley Cyrus’ racy antics of late, and presumably under the gauzy pretext of promoting sexual empowerment for women, Beyoncé recently released an eye-roller titled Partition (see video above).

As per the accompanying album credits, this wondrous ditty was concocted by Terius Nash, Beyoncé Knowles, Justin Timberlake, Timothy Mosly, Jerome Harmon, Key Wayne, and Mike Dean.

That’s seven people. That’s right. It apparently required the sweat of seven (!) pairs of brows to come up with a melody that a baby capuchin could have knocked out on a toy keyboard, paired with memorable lyrics such as these:

Oh he so horny, yeah he want to fuck
He popped all my buttons and he ripped my blouse
He Monica Lewinsky-ed all on my gown

Considerations regarding the quality of the poetry aside, and focusing on sexual anatomy instead, how exactly does a man “Monica Lewinsky” on a gown?

When referencing extracurricular frolics in the Oval Office via the offbeatish verbification of one of the participants’ proper names for the purpose of denoting the act of depositing male ejaculate on an article of women’s apparel, it seems the dopey line should be:

He Bill Clinton-ed all on my gown

A man doesn’t “Monica Lewinsky,” at least not in the context of a heterosexual encounter as the one described in the song. It’s what a woman does.

So Beyoncé’s character may have Monica Lewinsky-ed the guy in the limo, whereupon he may have Bill Clinton-ed in her mouth, and if she’s a spitter rather than a swallower, she then may have inadvertently Monica Lewinsky-ed the gooey substance on her gown instead of out the window—assuming such was the chain of events by which the infamous blue dress received its stains, in which case the verb “to Monica Lewinsky” would index two separate actions, namely to perform fellatio and to spit semen on a dress.

In any event, whatever the guy in the limo did, he surely wasn’t Monica Lewinsky-ing.

How many writers does it take to make sense?

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  • Richard

    Are not Beyoncė and her team merely expressing their uninhibited feelings, thoughts and emotions in the manner you have suggested in your previous post we all should?

    • Cyberquill

      My previous post was titled “Because we Must [communicate in some fashion what goes on inside of us]” in the sense of “can’t help it.” I don’t recall having suggested anything in the way of what we all should.

      If the exhibition in question is the only way Beyonce can express her sexuality, I’d like to get her on my couch (if I were a shrink, I mean).

  • testazyk

    You are totally correct! And I agree that there is a nexus between the quality of the words and, for lack of a better word, background noise in the video.

    • Cyberquill

      Yeah, what a waste of a fantastic performer. This would have been the perfect song for Paris Hilton. (Monica Lewinskying is roughly synonymous with Paris Hiltoning anyway.)

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