Santa is White, Jesus was Not

By Cyberquill 12/15/20137 Comments

Megyn Kelly

Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, who plumes herself on being a “straight news anchor,” as opposed to the—presumably gay—opinion hosts whose programs flank her new prime time show, has nonplussed the straight-news-seeking among her viewers, as well as handed an early Christmas present in the form of some juicy grist for the “Fox lies” mill to the Media Matters of the world, by anointing with the chrism of “verifiable fact” the notion that both Santa and Jesus were “white,” i.e., of Caucasian ethnicity.

As regards the latter, assuming He didn’t originate as a deliberately planted rumor that by way of some otherworldly turning-water-into-wine-type mechanism subsequently morphed into the most influential figure in history—who knows, a few millennia hence, people may debate whether Harry Potter ever walked the planet in the flesh—the Messiah was probably a swarthy Middle Eastern type, most likely registering roughly halfway between Conan O’Brien and Morgan Freeman on a color chart, somewhere in the neighborhood of President Obama’s and Speaker Boehner’s shade of complexion.

As white as Jesus may have been on the inside (see “The Oreo Hypothesis“), as far as external appearance, the actor that portrayed Silas, the albino monk, in The DaVinci Code would surely be an exceptionally poor choice to play Jesus in a movie.

Jesus was about as white as Megyn Kelly is a natural honey butter blonde.

Conversely, as black as Santa Claus may be in his heart of hearts, the reindeer-sleighed bearer of our Yuletide gifts couldn’t possibly not be a white man on the outside.

Just think about it: Santa hails from the North Pole, for crying out loud! Have you ever seen a black polar bear? Of course you haven’t.

The verifiable fact is that Santa and polar bears are white because snow is white. Deprived of the ability to blend in with their surroundings, neither Santa Claus nor polar bears could have survived for as long as they have. Evolution would have selected them out eons ago.

Kwaanza Claus, on the other hand, as I am sure even Megyn Kelly would concede, is almost certainly black (not white like Tarzan, the king of the African jungle).

And, for all you kids, Herman Munster is green, no matter what Megyn Kelly may tell you!

UPDATE: Megyn’s cover of (I’m Dreaming of a) White Christmas, backed by the Fox News house band featuring fellow FNC host Mike Huckabee on bass, is now available on iTunes! (A duet of The Little White Drummer Boy with Ted Nugent and her version of Rudolph the White-Nosed Reindeer have been slated for release in late 2014.)


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  • Cheri

    Good one, Peter. Sounds as if you are a regular Fox News viewer. Are you?
    Do you follow that unnatural honey butter blond? Or how about all the other leggy women they have paired with homely guys?

    • Cyberquill

      I’m a moderately regular Fox viewer. Mostly O’Reilly, though. And I do like the honeybutter blonde. She’s an extremely bright and charismatic cookie, although I’m not quite sure what’s gotten into her there. Now she says her remarks were “tongue-in-cheek.” I usually get her sense of humor, but in this case, frankly, it escaped me, so I doubt the “kids” she was specifically addressing picked up on it, either.

      • Cheri

        I like her too. She has some depth in her sound bites. I just wish all those folks at Fox would stop interrupting each other. She is smart unlike some of those other women that blather on and on…

        • Cyberquill

          I also like Martha MacCallum. She’s no Paris Hilton, plus there’s a four-letter acronym that must have been invented with her in mind, pardon my Austrian.

          The interrupting, I think, represents the network’s strategy to keep things brisk and lively. The whole channel seems designed like a 24-hour video clip, sort of like the MTV of news and opinion.

  • testazyk

    This made the news down here! I love the phrase “verifiable fact.” As opposed to the unverifiable kind.

    • Cyberquill

      A verifiable fact is like a convicted felon. Speaking of felons, I hear the folks down under resent the verifiable fact that Santa is a native North Polean rather than a South Polean.

      • testazyk

        True that. We claim him as an Antipodean. And he’s got a suntan.

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