Dressed to Please

On 31 July 2018, Aeromexico Flight 2431 crash-landed in a field only seconds after takeoff. All 103 people aboard were safely evacuated in the nick of time before the aircraft burst into flames.

The following day, an aviation safety expert held forth on CNN upon upping your odds of surviving so-called “survivable” crashes like this one.

Besides non-flammable clothing that should cover arms and legs, she explained, passengers ought to select footwear conducive to exiting a potentially chaotic, smoke-filled, and obstacle-strewn cabin with fleet-footed promptitude rather than in a tentative traipse.

Whereupon the CNN anchor lady vowed to never again rock high heels on a plane.

High heels, obviously, weren’t designed for speed. On the contrary: their whole raison d’être is to slow women down.

Just as a vestigial primal instinct hailing from the olden pre-affirmative-consent days, when a man would simply grab a female by her hair and drag her into his cave, still causes men to wince, overtly or subconsciously, at any woman’s stated intention of having her tresses docked—for shorter hair invariably makes for a lesser grip and a resultant reduction in dragging leverage—men, generally speaking, prefer women to be meaningfully constrained in their ability to escape.

Hence man’s predilection for high heels on a woman.

Sure, for the purpose of putting distance between her and an unsavory pursuer, she could take off her heels and attempt a barefooted getaway—but how long before such transient gain in velocity will be offset by at least one of her now unprotected soles making painful contact with a pointed rock, a rusty nail, or a shard of glass, causing podiatric injury and transforming her nimble dash into a laborious limp?

Whether boarding an airplane or setting out for a night of partying in the city, from a security perspective, not to mention orthopedic considerations regarding long-term skeletal salubrity, short of wearing a blindfold when driving, high heels rank among the most ill-advised articles of dress to sport for any occasion or activity.

And yet, just as Muslim women have been gulled by centuries of masculine oppression into gussying up as letter boxes, bank robbers, or folded-down beach umbrellas (the first two of these graphic descriptions courtesy Britain’s former secretary of state), or at the very minimum to hijab up in public (something Britain’s former secretary of state may want to consider for himself as an alternative to splurging on some hairspray and a comb), in addition to having been brainwashed into professing with the utmost sincerity and the straightest of (often invisible) faces that it is their own free will, and nothing but, to attire themselves in this way, occidental men have managed to pull the same number on occidental women when it comes to high heels.

Ask any Western woman why she’s wearing high heels, and she’ll assure you, daggers flying out of her eyes, that no freer, more independent, and less informed-by-primeval-male-fantasies fashion choice has ever been made by her nor anyone else in human history—the very same response you’ll likely obtain from a lady in a burqa, a niqab, or a hijab.

In fact, demonstrating the alarming extent of the subliminal indoctrination in play here, many Western women will go one step further and insist that high heels are actually comfortable, if you can believe it. (As comfortable as being trussed up in an 18th-century baleen corset and gradually turning blue from lack of oxygen, I imagine.)

When I queried one woman who had told me so in person as to whether, if they’re so comfy, she ever wore stilettos around the house, she sort of backtracked and admitted that they were more about achieving a particular look than physical comfort.

In terms of evolutionary psychology, a discipline rarely in simpatico with the precepts of modern political correctness, the look in question is one that telegraphs to all interested parties within viewing range that the wearer is easier to catch and impregnate than if she had on Nikes or Chucks.

Nature, mind you, couldn’t care less about 21st-century sensibilities. Nature cares about propagating the species. Humans that wish to regard themselves as somewhat more evolved and enlightened than gorillas in the wild, therefore, should take to heart, in this context as well as in a few others, Katharine Hepburn’s character’s admonition, uttered in African Queen, that nature is “what we are put in this world to rise above.”

To which smart-alecky high-heel wearers will respond that they have risen above nature by habitually forcing their feet into a most supernatural position that produces a most supernatural gait.

Besides, the true purpose of high heels, they will add, is to make themselves appear taller, not easier to catch, so as to make up for the inequality in height between them and the taller sex.

Yet many men, no doubt, would also like to add a few inches, for a variety of reasons (and in a variety of places), such as to restore the inequality in height between the sexes, but since donning high heels would negate much of their speed advantage over high-heeled females, the dudes-in-heels thing has never caught on.

We know as Stockholm Syndrome the phenomenon of a person held hostage becoming sympathetic to her captor. Unfortunately, I cannot think of the scientific term—if you can, please put it in the comments below—for mistaking for one’s own free will the will of one’s oppressor, a condition on vivid display every time a woman cites autonomous self-governance utterly disencumbered of any inclination whatsoever to please anyone but herself as her sole motivation for ambulating about in high heels or shrouding herself from head to toe in a wearable pup tent.

And if you think I’m just picking on the girls, don’t even get me started on guys and their ties.

  • Cheri

    This piece is so well written. And true on all accounts. Eventually one’s feet will be come the boss. They will either rebel in pain or morph into deformed things with knobs.

    • http://blog.cyberquill.com/ Cyberquill

      Ever decapitated a rattler in heels? (I realize this question is ambiguous. For simplicity’s sake, just answer both.)