Two plus two equals seven.

That was a joke.

Granted, not exactly a joke of the knee-slapping variety likely to send an audience into stitches, but a joke in the sense that I don’t really believe two plus to equals seven, neither consciously, nor subliminally, nor any other way.

Having heard my joke, chances are you will accuse me of being an unfunny comedian rather than a closet opponent of conventional arithmetic attempting to broadcast my warped views under the guise of humor, just so I could hide behind that claim “Oh, I was just kidding” in case an offended mathematician seems about to cosh me over the block with her abacus.

So when I proclaim that two plus two equals seven and that anyone who believes that two plus two equals four has been brainwashed by … Read More →

Although I’ve scored a few small successes and had some good times, for the most part my earthly journey thus far has been paved with failure and frustration, on the career front in particular. Barring some unforeseen peripeteia, my life’s arch slowly but relentlessly bends toward destitution and a rather gloomy denouement.

Since the fat lady hasn’t warbled quite yet, I shall tentatively stop short of referring to myself as a “loser,” but should others choose to bestow such characterization upon me and back it up by pointing to my present circumstances, I wouldn’t really know how to … Read More →

Blogmasters and operators of online discussion forums often have a written “comments policy” designed to explain to the potentially confused would-be interlocutor what types of commentary are welcome and acceptable on their little plots of cyber-turf and what types are deemed offensive or otherwise undesirable and hence subject to removal and possible further sanctions up to and including the offending party getting slapped with a virtual restraining order.

Displaying official-sounding verbiage of any kind, of course, adds a nimbus of professionalism to any product or operation, destitute of necessary and useful information as such verbiage may … Read More →

One day—I must have been in third or fourth grade—our teacher had “the talk” with us: the talk about the hazards of playing soccer on the sidewalk, a common pastime for kids in my neck of the planet. Invariably, at some point during a game, the ball would get kicked out on the street, one of the moppets would dash after it like a blinkered cheetah after a springbok, not looking left or right, and risk getting struck by a van.

So our teacher moderated a brief class discussion about the risks of sidewalk soccer, and then we moved on to the regularly scheduled periods for the day (math or geography or edelweiss … Read More →

This line, which I’ve circled in red, on one of Twitter’s dropdown menus has been confounding me for some time now.

How exactly is one supposed to add someone from a list?

How about subtracting operating expenses to total revenue? Ever heard of limpet mines attaching from the hull of a ship?

Assuming, on the other hand, the “from” does not go with the “add,” the sentence means “Add lists or remove from lists,” a non sequitur of sorts.

Or the “add” might just sit there in the altogether, logically detached from what follows: you can either … Read More →

Some time ago, the World Health Organization declared smoking to be the “number one cause of death and disability in the world.”

Now, whether the pitiful habit of sucking on a smoldering paper cylinder filled with chopped tobacco leaves and blowing noxious fumes through the landscape indeed resides at the very top of the Grim Reaper’s to-do list, or whether, in reality, it clocks in as item number three or five, is irrelevant.

Fact is, smoking does people in by the truckloads every day and causes unspeakable suffering in the often protracted runup to the terminal gate, not only for the patients themselves, but also to their friends and family members, who have unwittingly been given front row seats to witnessing … Read More →

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness,
Although a tear may be ever so near.
That’s the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile …

A little girl accidentally breaks an arm off her doll and starts crying. You say to her, “Don’t be sad. We’ll fix it. Come on. Smile.”

Nothing wrong with offering assistance to reattach the broken limb.

Plenty wrong with … Read More →

One of these days I may write words to some of my new tunes, but for now, here’s a new recording of another one of my old ones. (I don’t have an electric guitar right now, so I pasted the guitar solos from the old version into this one.)

If the doctor gave you six months to live, it could be worse: he could have given you three months to live.

If you lost a leg, it could be worse: you could have lost both legs.

If you lost both legs, it could be worse: you could have lost both legs and an arm.

If you lost both legs and an arm, it could be worse: you could have lost both legs and both arms.

If you owed $1 million, it could be worse: you could be $2 million in the red.

If you’re depressed about your age, it could be worse: you could be much, much older.

Whatever you personal situation, it could always … Read More →

No analogy is perfect. On some level, all comparisons are invalid.

In fact, it is precisely the dis-similarities that make a comparison a comparison as opposed to the thing itself. Every situation, every circumstance, and every phenomenon resembles only itself in all aspects, yet comparing a thing to itself holds no explanatory value—their explanatory value, of course, being the reason for resorting to analogies and comparisons in the first place.

Is it valid to compare an ant to a whale or a pickpocket to a serial killer?

Depends on the point you’re trying to make.

Ants compare to whales just fine in that both have eyes in their heads and both have been the subject of intense scientific study. They certainly do not compare in size (although relative to the size of, say, our galaxy, they sort of do) or habitat (except that both … Read More →

The pride of states, as well as of men, naturally disposes them to justify all their actions, and opposes their acknowledging, correcting, or repairing their errors and offenses. (John Jay, Federalist No. 3)

The ability to vanquish one’s pride and fess up to one’s mistakes sounds like a commendable quality, and usually it is.

Some people’s willingness to concede their errors in judgment, however, appears to be confined to one particular class of faux pas, the admission of which offers more of an opportunity to brag and gloat than to exercise genuine humility.

Granted, I’m not familiar enough with Keith Olbermann’s blunder acknowledgment patterns to charge him with possession of a limited range when it comes to admitting his lapses, but his most recent display of contrition regarding his pink slip from Current TV presents a perfect example of … Read More →

The infamous Sedition Act of 1798 criminalized “false, scandalous, and malicious” writing against the government and certain government officials. Critics of this law pointed to its apparent conflict with the First Amendment, which sets forth that Congress shall “make no law abridging the freedom of speech.” 

Proponents of the Sedition Act argued that no such freedom was abridged, as no one was prevented from disseminating any writings against the government, no matter how scandalous or malicious, as the Act provided for no prior restraint, only for subsequent punishment: everyone was perfectly “free” to sound off as they pleased and suffer the … Read More →

On the Late Show a while back, Academy Award winner Christopher Waltz responded to David Letterman’s question about how to play such a profoundly evil character as that of SS-Standartenführer Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds:

I’ve been asked, ‘How is it to play a Nazi?’ I said, ‘I don’t know. I never played one.’ … I disregarded this whole Nazi thing completely and just put the uniform on and let that take care of it.

David Letterman replied he was not certain he understood.

So let me explain. (In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not familiar with Mr Waltz’s performance, as I haven’t seen the movie, but that’s irrelevant to this discussion.)

Some years ago, I worked at a café in the Village in New York City. Once a week—I believe it was Wednesdays at midnight—the exterminator stopped by to cleanse the establishment of … Read More →

Here’s a new version of a little dirge I wrote many years ago. It’s about standing at someone’s grave after the funeral. I also sing and play all the instruments, which makes this song even more depressing:

 External Player  →

(The lyrics are posted here.)

A body with a fractured calvarium is found lying face-down on the sidewalk.

The coroner explains that the victim was smashed over the head with a blunt object from behind.

No witnesses, no murder weapon, no footprints, no fingerprints, and no DNA other than the victim’s, who, by all accounts, had no enemies.

Tough filbert to crack.

Neither Sherlock Holmes nor Inspector Columbo are available to investigate, and the standard-issue law enforcement professionals are stumped.

At long last, the search for the killer is … Read More →